Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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