I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I will pee on everything he values.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
