I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
