My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
