Just fell off a train. Bad.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just pee around me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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