You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
