Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
