I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
