Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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