if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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