My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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