Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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