I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
