I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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