Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
