There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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