Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
