I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
