Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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