Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
