when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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