Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
