You're my little dorito
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
