The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
