Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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