she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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