i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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