I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
