I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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