Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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