Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
