Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
