Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
