it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
