some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
