You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
