i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
