At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
