last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
