i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
