I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
