I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
