true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
