Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
