how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
