just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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