hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You ruined the universe
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
