I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Can i not drive my cunt home
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
