I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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