i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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