Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
