Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
