Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
