3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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