i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
