i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You were trust falling into bushes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
