The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
