I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
