last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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