Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
